I've been a part of church since before I could remember and yet I doubt.
I've asked and received forgiveness of sins and yet I doubt.
I have heard of miracles from people I respect and yet I doubt.
I have been a part of the miracle of life and yet I doubt.
I have seen miracles IN MY OWN FAMILY and yet I doubt.
I have experience God-given revelation and yet I doubt.
I have experienced God's intervening in my darkest moments and yet I doubt.
I have felt God's unmistakable presence and yet I doubt.
I could sit here in guilt over my unbelief. I could pretend like I don't doubt. I could play a game and put on a good face. And maybe that would make people feel more comfortable. But I can't do it.
I know that at the time of Jesus' birth there had been 400 years of silence from God. 400 Years! I don't know what to do with that any more than I know what to do with God's silence in my own life. But here is the choice I have made today. I choose to keep seeking. I echo the prayer, "Lord, I believe, please help my unbelief." I am waiting for God to break in. I am waiting for the Messiah to come.
I am a girl needing a Savior.
3 comments:
Vic,
Thank you for your courage to express what many of us feel but are afraid to verbalize. I too have struggled with doubt and questions for much of my life and most of the time I try to embrace and live with the doubts and questions. I've tried to reason my way past the doubts, but that doesn't touch the deeper feeling level. At times I've wished I had the "simple" faith that some people "seem" to have, but when that doesn't happen I just have to choose (like you do) to continue connecting with God in whatever way I can. I read something one time that helped me feel somewhat better about my doubts and questions. The writer said that often a person who doubts and questions has more faith than the one who doesn't. That seems to me to make sense. A person who doubts and still chooses to stay connected to God must excercise much faith or either be crazy or desperate or ever hopeful. Whatever...
I wish the church were more of a place where people who have doubts and questions could voice those, and talk about them together, and work through them and support each other in those especially difficult doubting times. By your courage you have opened the door to the church being a place like that.
Thank you.
Amy
Amy,
Thank you for your comment. I have had a chance in the last week to talk to people about my recent struggle and I have seen the church at work in a beautiful way. It's funny...the doubts seem to have such power until they are voiced and faced.
Thanks again.
Vic
I'm proud of you Vic!!!
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